When a loved one passes on, it’s an emotional experience. Even more so if there were things left unsaid or unresolved. If the person is no longer around, how can you heal the relationship? I did it with my dad and I’d like to share that personal experience with you. If you ever find yourself in this situation or are in it now, know that you don’t have to carry emotions like regret, sadness, anger or guilt around with you for the rest of your life. I believe healing can happen in many different ways, sometimes in very unexpected ways. Here’s how I found out it is possible to heal a relationship with someone after they pass.

My father passed away in 1995 when I was in my early 20’s. As much as I always loved my dad, he could be a real stinker at times and things were sometimes rocky between us, especially as I got older and started finding my voice with him. We had been through a lot. My parents divorced when I was about 7. When I was in junior high, I accidently found out my dad was gay. That was never an issue with me. In fact, it was a relief to find out because things finally made sense to me about him and the divorce. After finding that out, I think I believed things would be easier because there was no more elephant in the room. Instead, the silence remained because my father didn’t talk about it. He was so scared my brother and I would hate him, that he never told us he was gay. Even as family and friends came to know. Even as my dad lived the last 3 years of his life with full-blown AIDS and we watched his health roller-coaster up and down. He lived the rest of his life like that. And that colored many things in his world and our relationship.

I was living in Japan when my dad passed.  When I got the call from my brother, it wasn’t a big surprise because dad’s health had been deteriorating. The thing with AIDS though is that you’re never sure which downhill is going to be the last one. It was still a shock to hear it. I felt sad, then something curious happened. For a moment I felt relieved it was over. I didn’t have to worry about my dad being in pain anymore or his quality of life. Or feel the anxiety wondering what would happen next with his health. That moment lasted seconds and then guilt flooded in when I realized I actually felt relief that my dad had died. At that moment, in my head I equated that relief with somehow being happy my dad died. Somewhere deep inside I knew that wasn’t true, but grief can really screw with you. I carried that guilt for many years.

After the funeral and spending a couple weeks with family, I returned to Japan. Life went on. I went to work, hung out with friends, but felt like a jumble of emotions as I went through the grieving process. I spent time crying, going through memories in my head, talking to my dad, yelling at him, journaling, just trying to sort it all out. A couple months after he passed, I remember having a moment of clarity. I saw him as more than just my dad. I saw him as a person with fears and doubts, trying to live his life, figure it out and just be happy. It was an important moment. I was able to feel more compassion for my dad. I wasn’t exactly letting him off the hook, but something softened within me.

Then something happened 5 months after he passed. I wasn’t completely sure, but I had a feeling my dad could hear me, so I had continued talking to him. One day while I was making dinner, I heard a sound in the next room. As I looked around the room, I saw that his picture had fallen face down on the shelf. The windows were closed in the room, there was nothing to knock it over. I said “dad is that you?” and suddenly got goosebumps from head to toe. That moment was very comforting to me. A couple more things like that happened to me and my brother. It always left me wondering how much did my dad hear? How can I interact with him?

Fast forward almost 20 years. I continued talking off and on to my dad about things that came up from the past. As I traveled around the world working, I asked him to watch over me and sometimes felt like he was with me, but never quite sure. As with all things, time helps heal, but I was still sorting through the past in my heart because I still hadn’t truly found peace with my dad yet. Then a few big things happened that really got the ball rolling! It started with a phone reading I had with Chip Coffey 6 years ago. The appointment was made a month or two in advance. After making the appointment, I told my dad the day and time of the reading. I told him if anyone can confirm he’s around, it’s Chip. At the reading, before Chip started, he said there was a man there making his presence known. After telling me a couple things he was getting about the man, I knew it was my dad. Chip shared some more info he got, including that my dad sometimes sat at the end of my bed at night. It was really comforting to know he was around.

Next, I took an Intuition Bootcamp and then trained with my instructor, Shannon. I learned how to release old emotions and traumas using energy. As I went through the process, she would pick up on stuff that I was still hanging on to, sometimes about my dad. After all the crying and talking I did with him over the years, I would have thought I had let go of most of it. Some of it was things I hadn’t really dealt with. Other stuff ran deeper, like lessons we were here to teach each other. The more I worked with energy and released the past, the better I felt. I was finally feeling more peace in my heart. I also found that I could think or talk about my dad and not get upset or cry when I did. I started to see our relationship in a different light. I actually began to feel grateful for all that had happened – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Then about 5 years ago I went to a gallery reading with a medium and my dad came though. She told me that after he passed, he could see how much I had always loved him. That went right through my heart. I had always felt that even though my dad loved me, he had a wall up. He decided when to let you in or keep you out. That was very healing for me to hear that. A few weeks after that, as I was completing my training as a Spiritual Counselor, I was coming out of a meditation. I could feel someone’s energy in the corner of the room. I opened my eyes and even though I didn’t see anyone there, I knew it was my dad. I could feel him moving towards me, very happy, and I heard him say “it’s about time!”. I could finally feel and pick up on my dad myself!

After that day, things really changed. It’s not like my dad was always around or we were having full-on conversations, but he wasn’t just a memory anymore. We could interact and I could feel him laughing at silly things with me or feel him around if I was having a rough day. Anything that came up from the past now, I could just ask him and at some point I’d get something from him. Sometimes in a dream, sometimes a sign, sometimes in music, sometimes just a knowing. The past was coming up less and less though and I was just enjoying him being around.

A year and a half later, a friend was over who is psychic. She picked up on my dad and said he had something to share with me. He was going to start another life here and thought I might be upset that he was going to do that. I’ll admit, part of me felt a bit like “hey, we just got to a good place, why are you going now?’. The more I heard about his next life though, the more I understood he needed to do this and I actually felt excited for him! I didn’t know when it would happen or what to expect. A few weeks later, as I was pulling clothes out of the dryer, I realized I was humming a song. It was an old one I hadn’t heard in ages. I kept humming, then singing the same part over and over. It was ‘I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again”. I knew the time had come. That night before I went to sleep, I said good-bye to my dad and wished him well on the next part of his journey. I could actually feel him hugging me. Of course I cried. But I knew he needed to do this.

You may think the story ends there, but it doesn’t. I thought I wouldn’t be able to interact with my dad anymore. That hasn’t been the case. He still shows up sometimes. What I’ve come to understand is that a part of his higher self is living that new life, just not his entire higher self. It’s true for all of us. So we can still interact, he still sits on the end of my bed sometimes. In fact, about a month ago, he appeared again as I was finishing up meditating. He showed me how the dynamics and patterns of our relationship have rippled through all my relationships, especially romantic ones. And not in healthy ways! It was a huge a-ha moment for me that helped as I continue my own healing.

This journey with my dad has been quite the roller coaster! I’m happy to say that our relationship is in a healthier place than it was when he was alive! I am able to see that we were both just doing the best that we could with where we were and what we knew at the time. That helped me to let go of the anger, sadness, frustration, guilt and regrets. It’s helped me to see patterns that I have been repeating since I was a child. It’s helped me to heal and also been very empowering! And I believe it helped my dad heal too. Yes, it would have been nice if we could have figured this out while he was still alive. In fact, I highly recommend doing that! However, if you find yourself in a similar situation, learn from what I went through. Don’t carry it around with you for years or the rest of your life. Go through the grieving process and when you’re ready, start healing. Your loved one, no matter what state your relationship was in when they passed, doesn’t want you to be miserable or carrying around regrets the rest of your life. They want you to be happy. And they are more than willing to help you get there!